Living in My Shame Storm
Right before I began to write this one of my former coworkers and friend, messaged me that she loved to read my stories. And that she misses my big hugs. At that very moment I was sitting here staring at this blank screen and thinking, “I can’t do this”. Who am I to think that I can write something and provide value to anyone. I’ve failed again. Unknowingly she reached down and pulled me out of the shame storm that I often find myself in.
I discovered what being in a shame storm meant from Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. And boy am I in one. I feel like a perpetrator and a fraud, like a wanna be that’s not gonna be. So I decided to just be real and talk to you about living in my shame storms.
What My Shame Storm Looks Like
My shame storm looks like me, but a very tiny me with huge thoughts swirling in and out and around my head. It looks like big and ugly words coming at me from all angles. Those words yell at me. They say, FAKE, FAILURE, YOU’RE A DISASTER, YOU WON’T SUCCEED, YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU’RE WRONG! And the little tiny me just gets tinier and less motivated and hurt and broken. That is what my shame storm feels like.
Brene Brown describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to makes us unworthy of connection”. Being wrapped up in that feeling with what feels like infinite time is devastating.
I have failed 1,000 times at my plans, my projects, and my dreams. Mostly because I was caught up in a shame storm of not feeling good enough and that no one would be interested or care what I was doing. Over and over again shame has brought me to my knees, put a halt to my progress and led me down the long, lonely road of failure again.
When the Shame Storm Shifts
Then on an upswing I’ll get motivated again, optimism and ideas will start flowing through me again. I’ll start on a new project, a new dream or a new goal. Without fail, over and over again the shame storm starts to build up on the horizon. The hot, dusty winds starting to blow across my face, the lightening that shrinks me and the thunder that scares me back to my quiet space. The shame storm builds and grows, it’s dirty rain mixing with the hot tears on my face. The storm is back. I’m deep inside of it and can’t tell which way is out.
Then infinitesimal patches of blue appear above me and the storm lets up and the cycle begins again. Right now, my shame storm is about the work I’m doing and my writing and hoping that I’m helping someone and adding value. In all honesty, I wrote one more thing that I’m working on but I’m too vulnerable to talk about that yet. In order to do all of these things I have to be brutally honest about where I am and that I understand it. I am making a big step out of my shame storm to be vulnerable and open. Brene Brown states that, “without vulnerability you cannot create”. This is me creating.
Pushing Forward
It’s actually more than a big step, it’s a push forward through the storm, with my arm over my eyes and each step like I’m walking in deep, sticky mud.
But, I am able to step out to tell you first, that it’s ok. You are not alone in how you feel.
Second, your goals and dreams are valid and real and you can absolutely do it.
Third, it won’t be easy, but in the end it will be worth it to have the satisfaction of checking that big thing off your list.
I’ve drifted in and out of shame storms most of my life. I’ve missed opportunities, I’ve screwed up and I’ve wasted a hell of a lot of time. But until I learned to accept what it is, there was no way I could learn how to step out of it. It’s hard every day, today was a hard day. But sometimes, all it takes is one message from a friend, that reaches down and pulls you into the light that can make all the difference in the world.
